Cincinnati Reds Cause Northern Kentucky Mothers to Smoke While Pregnant

Cincinnati Reds west coast swoon, late-2000’s funk leads Northern Kentucky mothers to smoke while pregnant

Please don't take my baby away Marlboro manWhile the Cincinnati Reds continue their annual west coast wilt on the left coast (bullpen meltdowns always suck after a great start is wasted) it was revealed Thursday that a shocking 19% to 39% of Northern Kentucky mothers in the late-2000’s continued to smoke while pregnant.

Being the progressive investigative journalists we are at Cincy Unscripted, we immediately set out to investigate the root causes of this problem.  I exhaustively inquired of literally 4 people about what percentage of women in their opinion (off the top of their head) still smoke while pregnant:  With a scientific  plus/minus error margin of a minuscule 78, the percentage ranged from 2% to 80% (yes, an elderly woman from Seamon, OH estimated 80%–what’s going on in Ohio’s Appalachians???). By the way, the percentage of women who smoke while pregnant among the country at large is only 9%.

We thought the social stigma associated with smoking while carrying a child was similar to the stigma preventing pregnant women from taking shots at the local bar?  A major no-no that in our my mind was so socially inappropriate that we honestly thought didn’t exist except in the lowest rungs of society (and no, the West side, N. Ky, & Hamiltucky do not count).

So how to explain this tragedy inflicted upon our unborn neighbors?  Is it the tired, worn-out excuses thrown at us by public health officials that it’s the “inherent acceptance of smoking in our region”, the culture, and it being just “damn hard” to quit smoking, even if you are pregnant?

We don’t think so.

Again, as forward thinking journalists with our own website, twitter account, and Facebook page that no one can apparently access, we’re uniquely positioned to posit on this social question.

After running the data (and combined with Sean Marshall 8th inning blown save after a brilliant start by Matt Latos in the referendum game in San Diego at 1am in the morning) it led to some startling scientific conclusions:

The Cincinnati Reds of the late-2000’s led Northern Kentucky women to puff away while pregnant.

While these results are certainly astonishing, they are far from conclusive.  However, Mike Brown, genetic prize winner & owner of the Cincinnati Bengals, released a statement saying these findings are consistent with his team’s internal findings as well.

Just how much the ‘Big Donkey’ Adam Dunn’s historic strikeout rate, Ken Griffey Jr.’s lack of leadership, or the Red’s horrid pitching during these years pushed them to puff away coffin nails is unknown(and who knows how much the Reds current west coast swoon and drop to second place has affected our opinion), but this much is clear from the data analyzed in Cincy Unscripted’s comprehensive 20 minute study:

The Cincinnati Reds putrid performance from 2005-2009 led far too many Northern Kentucky expectant mothers to toke away at an enormous rate.